Festive PencilPoint: Christmas carols with a twist

In our obstetric theatres, there are three musical options. For most of the year, our lucky mums-to-be can choose between Taylor Swift and Fleetwood Mac. However, from mid-November until some poorly defined point in January – when someone eventually remembers that Taylor Swift and Fleetwood Mac are also available – we endure a never-ending loop of Christmas songs.

So, when my excellent colleague and fellow obstetric anaesthetist, Dr Adam Capek, informed me that he planned to fund his Christmas shopping this year by carolling around the labour ward, I was struck by what seemed to be a uniquely dreadful idea. He’s no Michael Bublé, nobody carries cash anymore, and we’re already overwhelmed with White Christmas and Wizzard. However, enigmatically reassuring me that his carols would be “better,” he picked up his digital card reader and made a beeline for the midwives’ station.

I’m no Simon Cowell, so I’ll let you judge for yourselves…

Asleep on a Sofa

(to the tune of Away in a Manger)

Asleep on a sofa,
No chance of a bed,
The resident on call
Laid down his sweet head.
He's dreaming of good times
Away from his work;
Inductions are mounting,
The ward's gone berserk.

The pager starts bleeping
The trainee awakes,
For two epidurals
Then theatre awaits.
A Tuohy for starters,
A Sprotte for the next,
A GA to follow,
No wonder he's wrecked.

Be near me, consultant,
I asked thee to stay,
But you're tucked up and cosy
Five miles away.
There's so many women
In my tender care,
Right up until morning
When help will be there.

God Rest Ye Ward Of Mums To Be

(to the tune of God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen)

God Rest ye ward of mums to be
Let nothing you dismay.
Remember the anaesthetists
Are just along the way.
Deliver you from labour pain
We’re here to save the day.
Oh tidings of comfort and joy,
Comfort and joy,
Oh tidings of comfort and joy.

In labour ward, in hospital,
A blessed Babe was born.
But with an epidural in
No single curse was sworn.
A resting smile upon the face
Before which was forlorn.
Oh tidings of comfort and joy,
Comfort and joy,
Oh tidings of comfort and joy.

From by the bean to cup machine
A blessed Angel came;
Be-decked in blue with scrub hat on
Anaesthetist by name.
In labour room or theatre
Neuraxial’s the same.
Oh tidings of comfort and joy,
Comfort and joy,
Oh tidings of comfort and joy.

“Fear not then,” quoth anaesthetist
“I’m never far from sight.
Vaginal birth or section,
Midday or late at night.
I’ll be right here to oversee
And make sure you’re alright.”
Oh tidings of comfort and joy,
Comfort and joy,
Oh tidings of comfort and joy.
 
Caesarean for patient ‘X’,
Just tell us where to go.
We’ll put a needle in the back,
Unless the heart rate’s low.
What do you mean by “Hurry up,
Your spinal is too slow”?
Oh tidings of comfort and joy,
Comfort and joy,
Oh tidings of comfort and joy.

Oh Labour Suite

(to the tune of Oh Christmas Tree)

Oh labour suite, oh labour suite
Thy births are never-ending.
Oh labour suite, oh labour suite
Another section’s pending.
Not only born in daylight hours
‘Least coffee gives us superpowers.
Oh labour suite, oh labour suite
Thy births are never-ending.
 
Oh labour suite, oh labour suite
Close to tears you bring me.
Oh labour suite, oh labour suite
Is this the last delivery?
Though every little girl and boy
Will bring their kin unbridled joy -
Oh labour suite, oh labour suite
Close to tears you bring me.

Oh labour suite, oh labour suite
I guess I shouldn’t grumble.
Oh labour suite, oh labour suite
You always keep me humble.
I could be up in ICU,
I think I’ll stick right here with you.
Oh labour suite, oh labour suite
Our festive birthing jungle.

Wishing you and yours a fantastic festive season and a healthy and prosperous New Year.

Malcolm & Adam